In Search Of
by B.A. Tyler
Summary: Almost a year after the war, B.J. learns something about Hawkeye that sends him reeling. Updated with Chapters 2 and 3 - now complete.
1. Chapter 1

**In Search Of**

_(Author's Note: Based on events in "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen.")_

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The whole thing started, oddly enough, with a postage stamp.

Sitting in his study on a bright, beautiful Saturday morning, B.J. signed and sealed a birthday card for his cousin Tim, and then began rummaging around in his desk for a postage stamp. Six pennies, numerous rubber bands, and eight old cash register receipts later, he came to the realization that there were no stamps to be found.

Frustrated, he called out, "Peg? We're out of stamps? Did you know that?"

She called back (presumably from the bedroom, where she was hanging up freshly laundered clothes), "Oh I'm sorry, B.J., I forgot. I used the last one a couple days ago, to send off the car payment."

He growled to himself, because this meant he was going to have to pay a visit to the post office. This birthday card needed to get into the mail today or it would almost certainly get to Texas too late.

He grabbed the card and strode out of his study and into the kitchen, picking up his car keys, before heading for the front door. "I'm running to the post office!" he called as he closed the door behind him.

The line at the post office was long, adding to his already foul mood. He tried to pull himself out of his little funk, telling himself it was only an unexpected, slightly inconvenient errand and not a big deal… which was all true. It's just that on such a beautiful Saturday in July, the last thing he wanted to do was spend time standing in line to buy stamps.

But the line did move (however slowly) and eventually he bought his stamps, then promptly put cousin Tim's birthday card into the mail slot. His chore finished, he headed out of the post office and began to meander down the street, opting to do a little walking and window-shopping before heading back home. Before long, he was standing outside a bookstore, looking at the window display and thinking, _There ya go._ _I'll buy myself a book and go home and lie out in the backyard in my hammock… now __that__ sounds like the ideal way to spend a beautiful Saturday._

Inside the store, B.J. browsed the Mystery section, looking for something by Abigail Porterfield (back at the 4077th, they'd all enjoyed her book _The Rooster Crowed at Midnight_, and he was certain she'd written a few more books in her time), but he came up empty. Not finding anything that caught his fancy in the Mystery section, he wandered in the direction of the Biography section… but as he passed Psychology, a familiar face peered at him from a book jacket. _Hypnosis: Unlocking the Past,_ by Dr. Sidney Freedman. B.J. stared, not quite believing at first, but eventually breaking out in a huge grin at the sight of his dear friend and colleague from Korea.

He plucked the book off the shelf and went directly to the checkout, and he was whistling as he drove home, anxious to begin reading (he wouldn't normally be interested in such subjects, but damn, this book was written by a _friend_, and after all, he'd seen hypnosis in action in Korea… had even participated in one very memorable case himself).

Once home, and having declared to Peg that his day was now officially one of leisure, he lounged in his hammock in the backyard, cracked open the book, and began to read. It was as if Sidney were next to him, talking to him. He smiled as he read, fascinated, and incidentally proud of what his friend had accomplished since the war ended. The dust jacket informed B.J. that Dr. Freedman was already at work on a second book.

He devoured nearly 200 pages before he finally headed inside the house, and he sat at the dinner table telling Peg what a truly interesting book it was, and he would say that even if it'd been written by a total stranger.

As she wiped mashed potatoes off of Erin's forehead, of all places, Peg replied, "You should call him and tell him you bought his book. I'll bet he'd love to hear from you."

And so, once dinner was done and he had helped Peg with the dishes, he went back into his study and pulled out his address book. He did have Sidney's phone number, but it was entirely possible it was no longer current. The war had ended nearly a year ago, and he hadn't spoken to Sidney more than once in that whole time.

But he decided _what the hell_, and he gave the number a try. For some reason, he was almost surprised when Sidney picked up on the third ring. "Hello?"

"Sidney!" he exclaimed, delighted. "It's B.J. Hunnicutt! How the hell are ya?"

A short silence on the other end, and B.J. wondered fleetingly if Sidney didn't recognize the name. Hell, that was possible, he supposed. But then Sidney finally spoke, and what he said made B.J.'s blood run cold. "You've heard from him, B.J.? Is he all right?"

Although B.J. had no idea what Sidney was talking about, there was no doubt in his mind that the "him" was referring to Hawkeye.

"Sidney, what are you—? Is something wrong? You sound odd. Do you mean Hawkeye? Has something happened?" And those were only a few of the dozens of questions swirling around in his head.

Sidney said, "You don't know? I thought that's why you were calling. I thought maybe you'd heard from him."

"What are you talking about? Is he all right?"

Sidney took a breath, probably trying to sort out his thoughts. "I can't believe he didn't tell you. I thought he was going to…"

"Sidney, dammit, you're scaring me. Tell me what's going on. I haven't heard anything from Hawkeye since…" he struggled to remember… "the end of May. We chatted on the phone for a while. He seemed fine. Is he not all right?"

"He's back in Korea, B.J.," Sidney said, and B.J.'s legs suddenly went weak. He had been pacing a little, but now he sank into a chair.

"What? Why the hell would he be there?"

"Against my advice, against his father's wishes, against common sense, he's gone back to Korea. He said he needed to find that woman… you know the one. The mother of the baby who…"

B.J. closed his eyes and nodded his head. Then he realized he was on the phone and Sidney couldn't see him, so he spoke up, "Yes, I know who you mean. The mother of the baby… the one from the bus." It was still so hard for him, and apparently for Sidney as well, to articulate what had happened on that bus, with that woman.

Sidney sighed. "B.J., there's no way in hell he's going to find that woman. I told him that again and again. How's he going to track her down? It's not possible." He paused for a second, then seemed to switch gears a little, trying to explain, "He's been… well, he was falling back into depression. His father called me and I went up to Maine, I spent a few days in their house… we had some sessions. Tomorrow it'll be a year, you know… a year since it happened."

And B.J., who didn't think it was possible to feel any more blindsided, nearly whimpered. Of course. Tomorrow was July 4th… one year since the bus incident. Hawkeye would have been acutely aware of the tragic anniversary.

"You let him go?" he heard himself asking in an accusatory tone.

"I nearly begged him _not_ to go, B.J. But what control do I have over him? None. His father didn't want him to go either. But we couldn't talk him out of it. He said he needed this woman's forgiveness. He said he had to go find her. He was in pretty bad shape… nightmares again, bouts of depression, all that guilt coming back to him full-force. Our initial sessions, back there in Korea, they'd worked, or they had seemed to. I guess I didn't think that the despair would resurface."

"Sidney, it's not your fault. You helped him through it. We all thought he was going to be OK. For a long time, he _was_ OK."

"Well right now, he's in Korea, trying to track down a woman that he believes can alleviate his pain. Even if by some miracle he actually found her… well, I would hope he'd get closure, but I'm just not sure. B.J., I'm worried."

"You and me both, Sid." B.J. ran a hand through his hair. He realized he was gripping the phone tightly. "I don't even know what to think right now. It's insane. How long has he been gone? Nobody's heard from him, not even his dad?"

"It's been four days. I spoke to his father last night… not a word from Hawkeye. Not a thing since the day he left."

B.J.'s mind was spinning. He couldn't think clearly.

Sidney said, "I thought for sure when I heard your voice… Well, I keep hoping for some news."

All of a sudden B.J. was at a loss for words. The situation was gradually sinking into his muddled brain, and he felt thrown and lost. His utterly mundane day had taken a very bizarre turn.

And all because he'd needed a postage stamp.


	2. Chapter 2

B.J. sighed and pulled the car over to the side of the road. He needed a break. He cut the engine and just sat there behind the wheel, rubbing at his eyes. He was tired and hot and discouraged beyond words.

He looked around at the all-too-familiar brown landscape of South Korea and shook his head. He was having a hard time believing this was real, that he had actually done this. Here he was, back in Korea, searching for a needle in a haystack (his best friend), who was in turn searching for an even smaller needle in an even larger haystack (a woman whose name he didn't even know).

Madness.

His wife had said as much to him as she'd watched him pack his bags and book his flight. "You're going _where_? To do _what_? B.J., that's just… I'm sorry, but it's crazy."

He'd tried to explain it to her as best he could. "He's my best friend." "He needs me." "There's no way I can just sit here, waiting for a phone call…"

Despite everything he said to her, she probably still didn't understand. He couldn't blame her.

_My best friend needs me… he needs my help… that's all I know._

Now he sat here on the side of the road, wondering how exactly he was helping. He'd been driving for hours. Just back and forth between Inchon and Uijongbu… feeling almost aimless, feeling positively foolish, because it didn't make any sense. There was no guarantee he'd find Hawkeye, of course. He had no way of knowing where the man was. He just assumed Hawk would be looking for the woman in question along the same route they'd traveled that fateful day, when they'd been heading back to camp after being at the Inchon beach.

Of course, B.J. knew that it was likely the woman didn't even live anywhere around here anymore. That'd been a year ago, during the war, and the locals had been so nomadic back then. They might even still be, for all B.J. knew. Probably that woman had moved on long ago. And without knowing her name, there was no way of asking around to see if anyone knew her.

It was insanity, B.J. thought, and not for the first time.

"Hawkeye," he muttered out loud, feeling helpless and very much alone in this foreign land that he never dreamed he'd see again. "What the hell are you doing?"

After a moment, he started the car again, and got back on the road. There was no other option.

* * *

"Holy shit!" B.J. slammed on the brakes so hard that he lurched forward violently, his chest connecting painfully with the steering wheel. His tires screeched. He didn't take notice of that.

Up ahead… although he supposed it could be a mirage, he was pretty sure it wasn't… up ahead was Hawkeye Pierce, standing in front of a hut and chatting with a local, gesturing even more animatedly than usual, probably trying to compensate for the language barrier.

B.J. threw open the door of his car and bolted out, leaving it running as he dashed to his friend. "Hawkeye!" he called, and he watched as Hawkeye's head whipped around at the sound of his voice. "Hawkeye!"

Hawkeye squinted at him, shielding his eyes as if blocking out the sun would make sense of what he was seeing, and called back, "Beej? Is that… is it you?"

B.J. saved his breath. He put it into another gear and raced to Hawkeye, only dimly aware that the Korean man was watching with interest and perhaps a little distrust… and then he reached Hawkeye and pulled him into his arms, laughing and crying at the same time.

Hawkeye was laughing too, probably out of shock, and holding onto him tight, saying nothing… just holding and being held.

Finally, after a very long moment, B.J. took a step back and looked into Hawkeye's face and said what he'd been wondering all along. "What the hell are you doing, Hawk?"

The joy in Hawkeye's expression slowly melted away as realization crept in. He stood there looking at B.J. almost vacantly; B.J. could see him struggling to process this turn of events. "Did you…" he began, then stopped, then tried again. "You came to get me?"

B.J. took hold of Hawkeye's hand and gently led him away from the hut. He nodded at the Korean man as if to say, _Sorry for the intrusion, please go about your business, don't mind us._

"Hawk," he said when they'd put distance between themselves and the hut, "let's go to your hotel, or to mine… Let's go talk. We need to have a talk." He looked around, a little bewildered. "Where's your car?"

"I don't know… back a few miles. I've been walking… door to door… or should I say, hut to hut?" He tried a smile but it didn't quite work.

B.J. pulled him by the hand toward his own car. "I'll drive you to your car, and then we'll both drive to your hotel. Are you staying in Seoul?" Hawkeye nodded. B.J. nodded too; he was also calling Seoul home base. "OK, then, that's where we'll go. All right?" He studied Hawkeye closely, because he was looking a little distant, a little disoriented. Most likely still adjusting to the idea that his best friend had flown halfway around the world to fetch him. "Are you with me, Hawk?"

"Uh… yeah," he replied. "With you, Beej."

B.J. opened the passenger door of his car and watched Hawkeye get in, as if he were a child who needed supervision. Once B.J. was back behind the wheel, he looked over to his right, feeling relief wash over him like a wave.

He'd found his needle in the haystack.


	3. Chapter 3

They sat in Hawkeye's hotel room in Seoul. They were disheveled and sweaty at the end of a long day, but B.J. felt both energized and soothed as he sat facing his former campmate.

Hawkeye still seemed caught off guard by the whirlwind of his best friend tracking him down in Korea and hauling him back to his hotel room, so B.J. initiated the conversation, making sure to hold Hawkeye's gaze as he did. "Hawk, you need to come back home with me," he began. "This… this plan of yours? I'm sorry, but it's cr—" he stopped himself before saying the word. "It's futile."

Hawkeye cocked his head. "You think so?" He sounded honestly surprised to hear this assessment of the situation.

"Do you really think you're going to find this woman? Hawk, she probably doesn't even live around here anymore. These people, they move around a lot. You know that. You don't know her name, you don't know anything about her." He paused, placing a hand on Hawkeye's arm in a gesture of comfort. "You need to get back home. Your life is back in the States. Back in Crabapple Cove. With your father, who's very worried about you, by the way."

Hawkeye looked down at his hands. He was quiet for a few minutes, and B.J. just waited, though it wasn't easy. But he needed for this conversation to sink in, to plant itself firmly in Hawkeye's confused and stubborn head, and he would take it as slowly and as carefully as he had to.

Without looking at B.J., Hawkeye said, his voice soft, "I wanted to talk to her, Beej. Find out what her life is like now. I mean… I'm sure she thinks about it every day. I do too. Not a day goes by that I don't remember. I…" He faltered then, and B.J. moved closer to him, pulling him into a hug.

"What you need, though, is to talk to Sidney about this. You need his help to get you through this… and the help of your dad… and the help of your best friend, who loves you." He rested his chin on top of Hawkeye's head. "I'm sorry, Hawk, but the answer is not here. I don't see how we can track down that woman so you can talk to her. We could spend the next _year_ looking for her and we probably still wouldn't find her."

Hawkeye drew a deep breath. It was probably a relief to hear somebody articulate what he must have, at least on some level, realized by now.

Feeling confident that he was making progress, B.J. continued, "Do you agree that this is pretty much a wild goose chase? Can you see that?"

A brief hesitation, then Hawkeye nodded slowly. "I tried," was all he said.

"You did try. You gave it a shot, but now we have to get you back home. And Sidney will be there to help you. More sessions, whatever you need."

"It's been a year, you know?" Hawkeye said, sniffling a bit.

"I know," B.J. said, but he felt guilty that it'd taken Sidney to remind him of that.

"I only wanted him to be quiet." Hawkeye was crying now; B.J. felt a tear landing on his arm as he held his friend.

"Don't, Hawk," he said gently. He wasn't Sidney Freedman, he wasn't trained in how to deal with this kind of thing.

"I didn't want her to kill him."

"Of course you didn't. I know that." Unsure of what to do, B.J. only tightened his embrace. "Please don't think about it. We'll head home tomorrow, all right? You'll get help there… We'll call Sidney."

Hawkeye nodded and wiped at his eyes. Silence fell over them for a few minutes, but B.J. just kept holding onto his friend. Finally Hawkeye let out something that sounded like a small laugh. "I can't believe you came all this way to get me. All the way back to Korea… just for me. That's kind of crazy, Beej."

B.J. smiled. "Yeah, well… crazy pretty much describes my life since the day I met you, Hawkeye Pierce," he teased, and that brought real, honest-to-God laughter from both of them.

And suddenly B.J. felt that whatever the hell he had set out to do here… well, somehow he'd managed to accomplish it.

* * *

The phone rang and B.J. called out, "I've got it, Peg," just before he snatched up the receiver. "Hello?"

"Hey, Beej!" Only two words, but they made B.J.'s heart soar. He grinned. Hawkeye sounded happy and exuberant and very much like himself.

"Hawk? Hey, it's great to hear your voice. How are ya?"

"I'm doing good, Beej. How are you and the missus and the little bean?"

B.J. laughed. Why the hell Erin was "the little bean," he had no idea. "We're all great and looking forward to visiting you and your dad next month. That's still on, right? You're not calling to cancel, are you?"

"Absolutely not! Of course you're still invited… Dad's excited about seeing you all… and of course I am too. No, I just called to say hi, and to let you know that Sidney's gone back to New York now."

B.J. leaned back in his chair. "Your sessions are over?"

"Yeah, at least for the time being. He'll come back up here in a couple weeks to check on me. I must be his prized patient, with all the attention he gives me."

"Maybe he just loves Maine lobster."

"That could be it." There was a constant smile in Hawkeye's voice, and B.J. could tell that it wasn't faked or forced.

"So I take it you made some serious progress with him, then… and that you're doing better." It wasn't a question exactly; he didn't want to pry. Therapy was a private thing, and B.J. respected that.

"I'm doing a lot better, Beej," Hawkeye said, "and that's probably the main reason I called. I have you to thank for this. For pulling me back from the edge. I'm still struggling, and maybe I always will, but Sidney's helping me, and like you said, so is my dad, and so do you, even though you're 3000 miles away. Just knowing that you care…" He trailed off, perhaps embarrassed.

B.J. waved a hand as if Hawkeye could see him through the phone. "Of course I care. You're my best friend. That's never going to change. We're there for each other, no matter what."

"Well you really came through this time. I was a little... lost. I'm not even sure what I would've done if B.J. Hunnicutt hadn't come riding up in a black Buick in the middle of Nowhere, South Korea. It was… I don't know… a kind of miracle."

"In the form of some gangly guy with a cheesy moustache?" B.J. asked playfully.

Hawkeye chuckled. "Well, it was no burning bush, but what the hell. I'll take it."

They both laughed then, and B.J. looked up at the ceiling, tears welling in his eyes, as he listened to the sweet sound of his best friend's laughter.

In spite of everything Hawkeye had been through, in spite of not getting the closure he'd hoped for, he sounded good… he sounded happy. As far as B.J. was concerned, _that_ was the miracle.


End file.
